It’s ok it’s alright death won’t be bad. It will be over soon. The
pain in my chest now radiating to my shoulder. Sharp, lacinating, hot.
The dizzy swooning nauesea. It will get worse before it’s done.
Slowly ramping to excruciating. Maybe a short respite. Then the
reprise. Deeper, harder, drier, wetter, and colder all at the same
time. Unbearable, then beyond. A chorus of flesh and blood physical
failures crying, no screaming their last stage appearence. Mercifully
my attention is drawn away. Distraction from one pain by another. A
completely different experience while raing in the realm of pain. .
The twisting hollow ache in my stomach contradicted my assesment of
impending doom. Quickly bringing me back to different plane of
concsiousness. A place with geometry is a place in the living realm no
matter how twisted and skewed it beholdens to some hard mathimatcal
equation. Unlike the beyond which no doubt violates Newtonian phycis
and math. Submission to death will have to wait. You can’t be dying
if you’re experiencing gastric esophageal reflux also known as
indigestion. I was hungry. Animal physiology reeving the engine of
life-hunger. A deeply genetically ingrained motivating pain of it’s
own. This one meant to insure survival of the oraganism. So, the sweet
end will wait for another day to make it’s cermonious appearance.
Like a religious procession. Painfully moving forward. Full of bowed
figures. Casting grotesque shadows on the ground. The old and aged
naturally bowed by athritis, joint contracture, muscle wasting, and
the dessication of cartilage that comes with years of living. Today’s
is just another painful experience to file in memory. Another synapse
altering episode pushing the mind closer to learned helplessness.
Weakening the will to live. Increasing the desire for sweet release.
Not to be. My modern Jobian existance is to continue. I’m left to
continue to search deep witihin me for that peace I knew in my clear
pain free meditative mind of youth. I catch an occassional glimpse of
it in a fleeting memory, in a remembered emotion, a scent, a moving
melody, a glimpse. A glimpse dissolving from view. It’s dissolving
punctuated by gnawing aching lumbar and polyarticular pain. I roll
over. Deep breaths help, I think. Soldier on, i try to self
motivate. It somewhat works Another day in paradise. Sarcasm, my
most easily availed escape from the dreary. Another shitty day in
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